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Articles
Weeding the Friendship Garden
01-14-2010
Quite possibly you wonder what you are getting out of the friendship, if anything? Well, I have thought about this very question several turning points in my life, and I see clients who struggle with with it as well. Seeing that this has happened several times in my life as well as the lives of my clients, this of course, prompted me to write this article!
Let's talk about how to evaluate friendships and weed out the ones, that are quite frankly, not good relationships. Those relationships that need to be weeded out of your life are those that are not productive, too one sided, not genuine, not satisfying and emotionally exhausting.
The Wilted Flower
Let's say you have a friend who is a "wilted flower", someone who always seeks comfort in sharing her misery and of course, listening to your misery. Now, there's a point to this, where misery loves company and it becomes counterproductive. It's OK to relate with your friends the ups and downs of life, but when it focuses entirely on misery and negativity, that's when it turns into a non-productive friendship. One that you should question, simply because a friend that is obsessed with drama and misery in life, is only going to bring you down, in terms of your happiness, and your outlook on life. Pretty soon, you start walking the talk, just like your friend. If you feel that you can't weed out this non productive friendship, at the very least, limit your exposure, i.e. don't be available to spend time with this friend.
Everyone has had a friendship in which the friendship is one-sided. For example, you are always there for your friend in times of need, however, your friend seems to disappear when you call on them for support. Or you continually invite your friends over for dinner, but somehow they never quite reciprocate. A question you should ask yourself, is "What am I getting out of this friendship?" If your answer is nothing, then I say, it's high time you stopped hanging around this friend. I once read a quote somewhere that said, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives!"
A Hearty Blossom
Genuineness in a friend is a person who is authentic and real with you. A genuine friend is confident and he/she has a strong belief in themselves, and they mean what they say. In other words, a genuine friend is someone who doesn't just give you lip service. They walk the talk! For example, a genuine friend is a person who doesn't just like the same things as you do, just because you do. Genuine friends have respect for the differences between the two of you, and they don't try be all things to all people. Another example of a genuine friend is someone who says "Hey let's get together next week for dinner." and guess what, you get together the next week for dinner. In a nutshell, a genuine friend is one who has conviction. Get rid of any friend that is not genuine with you and make new friends. Life is way too short to spend your life with people who are not genuine.
A friendship in which you feel that it is simply not satisfying to you is one you should definitely get rid of. I have a client that related to me that she went through a very difficult time in life where she completely lost her hearing in both ears. She, understandably, felt very isolated, however, was buoyed immensely with all the positive and caring support of her friends. She had one friend however, who is a blackberry addict (always on her blackberry constantly) that didn't even text her support or concern, until 5 days after learning of her friend's demise. This friend wasn't on vacation or out of the country, and there wasn't any reason for the lack of contact, other than the fact that the friend simply fell short of being a friend.
My client and I discussed the nature of this supposed friendship, and concluded that you really never truly know who your friends are until, unfortunate, bad things happen to you. Of course, sometimes it takes a while to figure out these supposed "friends", you never know until that day. So, go ahead, and pick that weed out of your lovely garden of friends and discard it. You'll be glad you did.
The Creeping Vine
Lastly, the emotional vampire of friends are those who literally sap the good energy right out of you. These are the people who tend to make you anxious or stressed out when you are with them and following your visit with them. These "Creeping Vines" need to express their feelings with the right person (counselor) and learn to change their negative ways. This is where I come in! Simply send them to me and I will assist them in forming healthy relationships/friendships. Then, we can turn that weed into a beautiful flower!
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